Director: Fred Olen Ray
Cast: Christine Nguyen, Heather Vandeven, Tony Marino, Frankie Cullen, Rebecca Love, Brynn Tyler, Ted Newsom
Retromedia Entertainment / Not Rated / NTSC Region 0 / 16x9 Widescreen (Anamorphic) / Dolby Digital 2.0 / Color / 81 Minutes
As cliche it is to say, I'm just like any other guy; I love to watch porn. Porn, hard or soft, is an all-American pastime created for a couple of reasons: to make money and to give people an erotic obsessions. Another passion of mine should be clear to the most blindest of people; movies are a pinnacle standpoint in my life and that notion has been well saturated here at SheSoCrazy.com where movie stardom (and sometimes b-grade) babes are splashed with their bare chests and asses on display day in an day out. So, when Retromedia Entertainment sent me one of their latest and greatest of the softcore porn genre, I was graced myself with just a little smile. Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros was resting in my hairy palms. Yes, an epic adventure had awaited me as I popped in the DVD of the Indiana Jones spoof. I'm sure if George Lucas or Harrison Ford were deceased, they would be turning in their graves as we speak!
Dr. Bikini Jones adventures begin with the obtaining of a stolen golden idol statue from the lusciously cruel Evilla Cruella. The statue contains hidden scriptural guides that will lead the person who can decipher them to the Temple of Eros. The Temple contains the Tiara of Moronica; a very powerful tiara that will grant command of all of Moronica to the person who places it upon their crown. With the tiara in Bikini Jones' hands, it is considered safe...or is it? Evilla Cruella and her grunt Drago seek the tiara and so does the U.S. government.
Just from the synopsis above, doesn't this sound like a grand adventure? The sexcapdes are one thing, the adventure is another. Bikini Jones is no Indiana, but she does have a wit about her and a set of tits to match. Christine Hguyen plays Bikini Jones and her tight, little half Asian-self is one a certain wood riser if I have ever seen one. Hguyen lays with just about everybody in the film - guys and the gals. But, for me, I need more than just a cute little half Asian face, a double dose of palm sized breast, a perfectly round bronze ass, long dark hair, eyes that can pierce the soul, lips that can...sorry, I became lost in Hguyen! I need a story, damnit! This loose story, even for a softcore porn, just doesn't hack it. The cheesy settings had a more natural and realistic feel than the story and that is saying something! Lets not forget the giant carnivore Dino who can swallow double agents in one gulp; now that is what I'm talkin' about!
I had just reviewed Bikini Royale 2 a week earlier before diving into the tombs of Bikini Jones and guess what I found? Along with some of the same actors and actresses that starred in Bikini Royale 2 (Tony Marino, Frankie Cullen and the yummy Jayden Cole) but also some of the same settings and scenes as well! If I'm not mistaken, the shower looked awfully familiar to the shower in Bikini Royale 2...hmmmm. There really shouldn't be any complaint here as I'm getting T&A and a spoof porn; perhaps, I'm just watching both films too close in proximity of each other. There are a couple of actresses that separate this film from other company joint ventures. 2007 Penthouse Pet of the Year Heather Vandeven< plays as Evilla Cruella and though I usually don't mind fake breast, it was extremely difficult to not look at her breast implant scars. Rebecca Love as Carol has some great assets and when I meant great, I mean huge! Any woman who can lick and suck her own breasts with ease is okay in my book.
Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros will leave a little chubby but that is really all it's good for. The lack of story and the lack of building up a "moment" scene dilutes any chance for a mood if you're trying to seduce a lady friend. Ted Newsom, even if he is old and doesn't have any sexy time parts, has to be my favorite actor in these series of Bikini films. His comical wit attitude has more personality than the star herself - I'd like to see his ass get some action. Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros is available from Retromedia Entertainment so get down and dirty with archeologist Bikini Jones because I'm sure she has some treasures she could show you!